The Primer Shortage Explained

Brits are demonstrating their competitive spirit by popping too many Christmas crackers which are fueled by fulminate of silver.* Not only that, sceptered scientists** have just released results of a grueling study which provide a surefire method of getting the good poppy end and leaving Mum with the fizzle, no matter how hard she worked on the Christmas goose.

Aren't you really glad we won that 1776-83 spat?

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*Don't be picky. It could be primer compound.

**Yes, these would be the grandsons and granddaughters of Winston's Wizards, who developed radar and many other devices for annoying the Nazi's.

From the vomitorium

The AP reports on the Amsoc victory lap:

The occasion was moving for many who'd followed Kennedy, who died in August.

"He's having a merry Christmas in Heaven," Sen. Paul Kirk, D-Mass., appointed to fill Kennedy's seat, told reporters after the tally. Kirk said he was "humbled to be here with the honor of casting essentially his vote.

Kirk, you pretentious old blowhard, Christmas Magic is for tiny children, and the dead are denied the vote, by proxy or otherwise.

The Christmas of Ought-Nine

Yukina roves the land. She may make me miss Christmas with my kids, but she ain't gettin' my Life Force.

Real Government Reform

This is not totally original,of course, but that doesn't mean it's a bad or outdated idea:

1. On January 1-3 of each year the Gallup organization shall poll the citizens of the Republic with a single question: "What was the stupidest law passed by the congress last year?"

2. When the winner is determined, the names of all representatives and senators who voted on the prevailing side of said bill shall be placed in a hat from which the names of one (1) senator and one (1) representative shall be drawn.

3. Said senator and said representative shall be shot.

4. States shall be encouraged by generous federal tax exemptions to emulate the federal reform program among their own legislative bodies.