St. Patrick's Day, 2010

May every reader possess a lorica, spiritual and secular.

When toilets are outlawed...

Most of us are suspicious of laws destroying a citizen's Second Amendment rights for domestic spats petty enough to draw only a misdemeanor charge. For one thing, any motivated evildoer can find all the weapons she needs right around the house.

I was taken, however, with the creativity shown by one Ms. Johnson of Iowa City who is charged with domestic assault and interference with official acts.

"Johnson's sister and her sister's husband told police that Johnson, who had been living with them for the past two months, removed the toilet tank lid and struck her sister during an altercation."

A Constitutional Response to the Census

Some thought went into the decision to fill in part of the census form. The citizen at this address will report his name and the fact that no others reside here permanently. This meets the need for congressional apportionment data.

Everything else smacks of bureaucratic meddling, such as wondering if I own it or rent it and whether I owe money on it or not. because:

"Asked since 1890. Homeownership rates serve as an indicator of the nation's economy. The data are also used to administer housing programs and to inform planning decisions."

Thank you very much, but my housing program was to save up some money and buy one, or rent one, or whatever, making the details none of your business, President Obama. And I plan to continue planning to make my own planning decisions. And the economy sucks even if you happen to find out I'm in decent enough shape.

The government also wants my sex because:

"...many federal programs must differentiate between males and females for funding, implementing and evaluating their programs. For instance, laws promoting equal employment opportunity for women require census data on sex. Also, sociologists, economists, and other researchers who analyze social and economic trends use the data."

Sociologists, economists and other researchers can ask for my sex in person if they really want it, and I reserve the right to say "yes," "no," or "You can whistle, can't you?"

I also won't say whether I'm Hispanic or not because it's none of Joe Biden's business and because how the Hell do I know if Great-Great-Grandma Grove dallied with a Mexican lad behind the barn then quick like a flash married my great-great grandpa?Same with the next question, on race.

The government closes out its queries by wondering if I sometimes stay somewhere else. Why all the creepy curiosity about who I sleep with?

Memo to the First Lady's Staff

Re: Michelle's recent public service announcements:

Isn't there some one in the East Wing with authority to order the camera man to drop his angle to about eye level? Shooting downwards on her (especially with a lens slightly too short) is responsible for that stupid startled-fawn look.