Jan 7, 2013

It doesn't bother me much that fresh-hatched Senator Tammy Baldwin is gay, purportedly the first and only openly gay U.S. senator.

It is annoying, however, that she embraces the rhetorical style technically referred to as "flibbertigibbet."  She brings nonsense -- and, more important, noncommunication -- to an oratorical height we've missed ever since Teddy Kennedy went away.

"Revenue is hugely important, spending cuts are hugely important, but the way you approach spending cuts, we have to make sure that we don’t you know, cut off our nose despite our face, that we don't impede economic growth and prosperity for American families."

Well, first off, Tammy,  if you're actually intending to, you know, vote for one budget choice or another, it would really help us to know which of the two choices is hugelier.  If they are hugely equal, there's no point in choosing between them, is there?  So  you might as well go back to Madison to protest something and have a sit down strike or something, right?

Second, about our noses and faces. You will still be in the senate during my first administration and, unless you improve, be placed on the list of lawmakers who should be suspended until they have demonstrated competence in the use of idiom as it is practiced by native speakers of English.

Jan 4, 2013

Out in the West Texas Town of El Paso

I knew El Paso pretty well in my more youthful years, even though I did not fall in love there with a Mexican girl.* My West Texas memories are of hot, dry semi-desert, a fine place for hiking and casual shooting in a landscape so deserted that you barely worried about where your bullets fell to earth.

But a blizzard? I know it happens once in a while, but it's still disorienting. Blizzards happen in places like Iowa and South Dakota, not down in the Sombrero provinces.

Anyway, Texas authorities are asking folks to kinda avoid Interstate 10 in the area until they get things sorted out. Texas authorities, being what they are, seem to have asked nicely instead of issuing decrees and threats as do our Road Masters** up here in in the Ethanol regions. And Texas citizens, being what they are, think it over and come to a friendly conclusion. "Yep, Roy, I think them highway cops got it about right, so we'll wait a day or two and not go over there gettin' in their way."


Yes, I rather like Texas and Texans.  Always have. Taken as a whole, they are no more full of shit than us Yankees, and their lies tend to be quite a little more entertaining than ours.

In fact, I'll shortly  announcing my appointment of a certain Texan to be secretary of defense in my first administration.  He'll be fine, although I'll have to remind him every once in a while that Texas is not permitted to conduct its own foreign policy.

*Not with Ciudad Jaurez so close, but that's another post.

**Make up your own Buick pun.

Duuuhhhhhh Darwin nomination

Hi guys. Any convicted felons out there?

Okay, you fellas with your hands up. This is for you. Until you get your full pardons, I recommend against appearing in public with AR-15s. But if you must do so, make every effort to avoid getting your shooting session taped for You Tube.

Jan 3, 2013

My hat is in the ring

Haven't meant to seem standoffish lately. Forgive me. My decision-making process to run for president required long and prayerful consideration. So did my platform which begins with the carefully researched and elegantly worded


Plank 1:  No tax money for bike trails. Not one f--king cent. Savings: $85 million per year at the federal level and God knows how much more extorted by subordinate commissars.

Observation:  $85 million would pay for at least 850 professional armed security guards to protect our innocent children in the nation's schools. (N.B. -- If said guards are also required to protect guilty children, the added cost is to be a local responsibility.)

My campaign motto: There Is Some Shit We Can't Afford.