As previously reported in these pages, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke is retiring soon. Traditionally, we present gifts to fellows and gals who hang up their Armanis.
It is a fine tradition, and I think we should take up a collection and buy Ben a Weimariner.
.
Dec 18, 2013
When I was rich
For a glimmering moment around mid-morning I was a stock market mogul. My net worth soared by $7.53 as traders speculated that Ben and the Feds would keep on printing $85 billion* brand new Federal Reserve Cartoons a month.
Then speculators of contrary opinion took over, and erased every cent of the gain on my eye-dropper full of a little ETF, a leveraged bond fund which is "interest sensitive." It pays a humongus dividend, but the price of the stock itself goes up and down as often as Bill Clinton's shorts. Up when the market thinks Ben will keep printing free FRCs, down when it worries that he may cut back a little.
Fortunately, this doesn't signal complete financial disaster here at Camp Jiggleview, because The Commandant, yours truly, has just received a bonanza from the federal government led by President Obama.
He informed me that I have done such a wonderful job of retiring -- that is, becoming a lazy tax-sucking parisitical slob -- that I am to be awarded a raise in my monthly salary. It comes to $19 net, after allowing for deducts to Medicare. You've probably heard of Medicare. It's a gift from cuddly ol' Lyndon Johnson allowing me to be sick for free. "Y'all just go ahead and stay in that hospital a while longer, Jim. We gone send the bill to your kids."
We had no money then --1965 -- either. We were financing a lot bullets to kill wogs -- mostly, but not exclusively, Vietnamese -- and on wonderful urban utopias such as Cabrini Green in President Obama's neighborhood.
Someone asked how we would pay for all that plus Jim's doctor bills. Lyndon said, "Why Hell, boy, we ain't actually gonna pay with real money or nothin'. We gone find a bunch of smart (ethnic slur deleted) boys who went to Harvard and Yale and them places and learned how to make make up money just by saying so. Y'all quit frettin'."
---
Hey! You in the back. Stop singing whle I'm talking, dammit! Besides, you got it wrong. The song goes "Marching to Pretoria. Not Weimaria."
---
*More, actually. The 85 billion is just what they admit to.
Then speculators of contrary opinion took over, and erased every cent of the gain on my eye-dropper full of a little ETF, a leveraged bond fund which is "interest sensitive." It pays a humongus dividend, but the price of the stock itself goes up and down as often as Bill Clinton's shorts. Up when the market thinks Ben will keep printing free FRCs, down when it worries that he may cut back a little.
Fortunately, this doesn't signal complete financial disaster here at Camp Jiggleview, because The Commandant, yours truly, has just received a bonanza from the federal government led by President Obama.
He informed me that I have done such a wonderful job of retiring -- that is, becoming a lazy tax-sucking parisitical slob -- that I am to be awarded a raise in my monthly salary. It comes to $19 net, after allowing for deducts to Medicare. You've probably heard of Medicare. It's a gift from cuddly ol' Lyndon Johnson allowing me to be sick for free. "Y'all just go ahead and stay in that hospital a while longer, Jim. We gone send the bill to your kids."
We had no money then --1965 -- either. We were financing a lot bullets to kill wogs -- mostly, but not exclusively, Vietnamese -- and on wonderful urban utopias such as Cabrini Green in President Obama's neighborhood.
Someone asked how we would pay for all that plus Jim's doctor bills. Lyndon said, "Why Hell, boy, we ain't actually gonna pay with real money or nothin'. We gone find a bunch of smart (ethnic slur deleted) boys who went to Harvard and Yale and them places and learned how to make make up money just by saying so. Y'all quit frettin'."
---
Hey! You in the back. Stop singing whle I'm talking, dammit! Besides, you got it wrong. The song goes "Marching to Pretoria. Not Weimaria."
---
*More, actually. The 85 billion is just what they admit to.
Dec 16, 2013
Then there's the guy with the shovel and the wheelbarrow
The political class and journaloids can't seem to get over the Ryan-Murray "budget agreement." It not only "reduces the deficit," but also ushers in a new era of "bipartisanship."
I think we plebians are supposed to see a nice little Jewish girl,. She and her husband worry an ass to Bethlehem where she gives birth in a barn. And they called the baby Bipartisan. Kneel and praise.
My faith is weak, so I reviewed what I know of our Constitution and Amercan political history. No where can I find biprtisanship listed as a stated national ideal -- or even a very good idea.
It is not even very well defined.The closest you can figure it, the word means "We got caught doing something stupid as Hell, but they helped so it's their fault, too."
---
Jimmy Durante raises his eyebrows in mock amazement and asks the cop, "What Elephant?"
The pachyderm of the moment is Ben Bernanke, soon to be replaced by one Janet Yellen. For six long years, Ben has taught Janet the art of plopping flops along the parade route, then decreeing them to be "money" or even "weath."
She thinks she has the knack now, even finds the thought of being the head flopper and decree-er rather exalting. She campaigned to be ringmaster of the printing press, and His Ineptness bought it, as will his Senate, probably in a more or less bipartisan way.
Bringing us back to the Ryan-Murray deal which saves a few bucks here, spends a few more bucks there and, in the end, promises (fingers crossed) to reduce the federal deficit by $23 billion over two years, or ten, or something.
Every little bit helps, but there's that damned elephant again. Jumbo Ben has been creating Federal Reserve Cartoons at the rate of 85 billion a month. This arithmetic for avoiding bankruptcy does not appear promising to this obsrever.
And just how does Ben go about creating the money to pay Barack for those IOUs (to which, conveniently, the president is permitted to sign your name, and mine)?
Easy as pie, as I earlier suggested.
"Plop."
I think we plebians are supposed to see a nice little Jewish girl,. She and her husband worry an ass to Bethlehem where she gives birth in a barn. And they called the baby Bipartisan. Kneel and praise.
My faith is weak, so I reviewed what I know of our Constitution and Amercan political history. No where can I find biprtisanship listed as a stated national ideal -- or even a very good idea.
It is not even very well defined.The closest you can figure it, the word means "We got caught doing something stupid as Hell, but they helped so it's their fault, too."
---
Jimmy Durante raises his eyebrows in mock amazement and asks the cop, "What Elephant?"
The pachyderm of the moment is Ben Bernanke, soon to be replaced by one Janet Yellen. For six long years, Ben has taught Janet the art of plopping flops along the parade route, then decreeing them to be "money" or even "weath."
She thinks she has the knack now, even finds the thought of being the head flopper and decree-er rather exalting. She campaigned to be ringmaster of the printing press, and His Ineptness bought it, as will his Senate, probably in a more or less bipartisan way.
Bringing us back to the Ryan-Murray deal which saves a few bucks here, spends a few more bucks there and, in the end, promises (fingers crossed) to reduce the federal deficit by $23 billion over two years, or ten, or something.
Every little bit helps, but there's that damned elephant again. Jumbo Ben has been creating Federal Reserve Cartoons at the rate of 85 billion a month. This arithmetic for avoiding bankruptcy does not appear promising to this obsrever.
And just how does Ben go about creating the money to pay Barack for those IOUs (to which, conveniently, the president is permitted to sign your name, and mine)?
Easy as pie, as I earlier suggested.
"Plop."
Dec 15, 2013
My Underpants
Getting ready to go visiting, I changed into fresh clothes a few minutes ago. It's cold, so I decided on long johns and grabbed the set on top, a high-tech, micro-fibered, odor-destroying, item. Probably thirty or forty bucks worth of redneck lingerie which came my way, unnoticed, in an inventory buyout.
They're camo.
Camoflage underwear?
A guy can only assume someone has identified a niche market of perv hunters who like to flash Bambi before they shoot her mommy.
They're camo.
Camoflage underwear?
A guy can only assume someone has identified a niche market of perv hunters who like to flash Bambi before they shoot her mommy.
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