I see by the news that Mitt is releasing his tax dope tomorrow. Yippie. The Republic is saved.
Even better, Newt might have to come clean about how much history he taught to Freddie and Fanny in return for the million-six.
Together that's about all we need to know to make an informed choice about who should get to control the nuke codes and the number of Federal Reserve Cartoons Ben Bernanke must print.
I know all this because I have spent an unconscionable amount of time in front of the new, cheap flat screen watching the sexiest people in the world tell me so.
Ideas? We don't need to talk about no steenken ideas.
While I would miss ogling Mika and whazhername -- Mrs. Newt the Third -- some mornings, I nevertheless propose to amend the Constitution.
We must require that candidates for public office, their spouses, and, especially, electric teevee "newspersons" to be drawn from the ranks of the truly ugly. Further, they must be adjudged charmless by a jury of their peers.
By thus ending the constant titillation of our glands on the pretext of following a great national dialog, we might begin the process of thinking about how to choose those leaders who will steal the fewest possible numbers of our dollars and our liberties.
To this end I announce formation of a national committee to promote it. The honorary co-chairpersons are to be Josh Hartnett and Paris Hilton.