In clear violation of the Smugleye-On-Lake Zoning Code, without seeking official sanction, he maliciously slew, dismembered, and burned a tree whose greatest diameter was greater than six inches. (My eyeball estimate was about 6 1/4 inches, maybe even 6 5/16.)
The removal of trees, six inches (6”) or larger in diameter, may not be removed within thirty-five feet (35’) of the ordinary high water mark unless such tree is dead, diseased, or has significant storm damage. Such removal shall not be accomplished until application for a tree removal permit is filed with the city and approved by the Zoning Administrator and the Chairman of the Board of Adjustment. If either officer fails to approve the application, the application is denied. An application may appeal to the Board of Adjustment from the denial of a tree removal permit. There is a fee for a tree removal permit. Removal of trees six inches or larger, for visual reasons, is not allowed. Absent special and unusual circumstances, the approval of a tree removal permit shall include a condition requiring the planting and maintenance of a replacement tree.
The culprit confessed to me and arrogantly pointed out the grisly stump. His excuse was laughable; it was (a) ugly, and (b) barred access to his dock. It was also a stunted Chinese elm, and if you ask me that makes him guilty of a racially motivated hate crime, too. Nevertheless I could not summon the will to call 911.
Ere he shall lose an eye for such a trifle... For doing deeds of nature! I'm ashamed. The law is such an ass. George Chapman, England,1654, Revenge for Honour: