Jan 11, 2010

Salty language note

Dr. Farley of New York is in your cupboards again, so he knows you're not being a good little consumer.

Salt. You're actually eating salt, you sad anti-social son of a bitch.

The doctor is really hurt. He and the Gotham Health and Purity Patrol went to all the trouble of outlawing trans-fat so you'll look just like those 1938 Goebbels pictures of fit and happy Teutons. So what do you do? You eat salt. You imperil your heart. Unforgivably, you often actually enjoy food.

That leaves Dr. Farley no choice but to to sit on the food industry and demand that it cripple its products with low-salt or no-salt recipes. Then we can all enjoy salt-free bacon, peanut butter, Hormel chili, and kielbasa.

When someone clued the good doctor that raised bread comes from salted dough he agreed criminalizing salt did , errrr, present some problems...

Too few choices? Tofu. Rice. Beans. Alfalfa sprouts. Raw oats. Pearl barley. All kinds of mouth-watering choices. Doc.

Never mind. The killer crystals of doom in a shaker make a good excuse for the Bloombergian people-control apparatchik to pressure the food industry to undertake a "voluntary" salt dump. Then the Regulators, who know a good control mechanism when they see it, start rewriting the rules about which foods are eligible for purchase by the schools, the military, using food stamps, WIC checks, Pell grants, student loans, etc. So much for volunteerism for any food processor interested in staying in business


I hereby order you not to even think about how the New York Citizen Salt Control Initiative of 2010 might find favor with the Washington creators of National Health Care . Gee, they might reason that your bag of salted pistachios is a national public health issue and also a federal economic concern. They might decide that since Washington pays for fixing your body, Washington owns the right to regulate what you put into it, using the police power of the state to whatever extent necessary, eh?

"Freeze, asshole. On the ground. Drop the Planter's bag. Spit out the nuts. Do it NOW!"

If all this doesn't jack your personal paranoia level up to a level more in accord with reality I'll kiss your arse at high noon on a balcony of the New York Times building and give all your friends an hour to change into their Inner Party uniforms.

EDIT: I am very sorry I wrote the preceding three words. I'm afraid it may call Dr. Farley's attention to the probable health benefits of calisthenics in front of the telescreen.


Tam said...

How docile and toothless have New Yorkers become, that these kinds of pronouncements from their betters do not trigger angry mobs outside City Hall?

Anonymous said...

Wonder if the good Doc thought of this while sipping his margarita. "What's that white stuff around the rim?". JAGSC

Jinglebob said...

Sonsabitches can have my salt when they pour it from my cold dead hands!

Jim said...

The timidity isn't recent. That place is populated by people who voted for John Lindsey and by their kids, who would too.

Is it possible that New York is one of the places where only illegal aliens should be allowed to vote?

Matt G said...

If only they had outlawed mercuric salts in the ammunition, my Springfield barrel might have lasted.

Look, the dark bore on my old rifle really was a crime, before I enhanced it to a felony with a stainless rebarrel. ;)

Dave said...

I read on the wire today that some scientists in Britain, I believe, have figured out how to make "pork" strips in the lab, completely sans pig. No need for the smelly animals, expensive feed etc. I wonder if salt pork would still be bad for us?